Squam and a New Path

 Squam

 

 

I've been back for over a week now, and I'm still struggling to put into words my experience at Squam Art Workshops.  Why, I don't know, but the words have been alluding me - sliping away before becoming fully formed. 

In the simplest of words, and the most convenient definitions SAW was -

5 Days spent on a beautiful lake

 

In a cozy cabin tucked in along the shoreline.

 

 

Taking creative classes

 

 

 

But Squam was so much more than any of that.

 

Before I left for SAW  I was desperately needing a break.  I needed some time away from work, friends and family to try to get myself back together again.  While I haven't felt as lost as I was feeling at my lowest points, I haven't truly felt like myself in a long time either.  I knew after last year's trip to Disney that I needed something else this year.  I needed a trip that wasn't going to require months of planning, hours and hours of stressful training, and once I was there wasn't in a spot filled with thousands of happy families that end up reminding me of how alone I feel most of the time.  I needed a trip for me - a trip filled with things I love and that fill me with happiness.  A trip that would be somewhat selfishly perhaps, all about me.  I found out about SAW while researching different possiblities and something about it spoke to me.  The photos, the trip reports, the class descriptions I read all called out to me that this was where I needed to be this year.

 

 

 

I decided to start my trip a bit early so two days before SAW began I headed up to NH and spent two nights in a tiny green light filed cottage on the shore of Paugus Bay. 

 

 

It was quite possilbly two of the most relaxing days I've ever had.  I was intent on staying unplugged for my entire vacation, so I never turned on the television in my room.  I spent my nights reading on the porch watching the boats and getting caught up on a couple of books I'd been ignoring for too long.

 

 

 

During the day, I did whatever the mood urged me to do, and all the things that no one else seems to want to when I vacation with them.  One day I went antique shopping spending hours poking into dark corners and inside of things searching for treasures.  I ate my first meal alone in a sit-down restaurant, and once I sat down to eat I found it wasn't nearly as scary to eat alone as it was to walk through the door in the first place.

The next day I had planned on doing some shopping, but the morning came and any desire to shop was gone.  On a whim I instead drove an hour north to Franconia Notch to enjoy walking through one of my favorite spots - The Flume.

 

 

 

 

Before heading back to my cottage I decided to face another fear of mine and ride the tram up to the top of Cannon Mountain, where I was rewarded with an amazing  view.

 

 

 

Those two solo days may have been the best decision I ever made.  I arrived at Squam feeling free of so many thoughts and worries that had been bogging me down.  I felt at peace with myself and closer to the me that's been in hiding recently.  I was really ready for the next part of my trip. 

 

I had volunteered to be a Squam Angel and help out welcoming people to camp, so I had arrived early and was warmly welcomed by Elizabeth and the other volunteers.  Now some may think it's a bit odd to be welcoming people to a place your new at too, but inside of me is always lurking the young 18 year old girl who arrived at college and felt horribly out of place and friendless years ago.  I never want anyone to ever feel like I did back then and always try to help out with welcoming when I can.  It's such a small thing really, but a welcome smile can make such a difference to someone who's nervous themselves.  The nice thing about having helped out welcoming people was that everywhere I went around camp for the rest of the week, I now met up with  friendly, familiar faces.  I never really felt like a newbie after that.

When the majority of the other campers had arrived, I finally went to cart the rest of my stuff to my new aptly name home away from home, Nirvana, and to meet my cabin mates.

 

 

 

 

I was a bit nervous about walking into a cabin filled with strangers, but there was no need.  I'm pretty convinced that Elizabeth has a bit of a magic touch, because as soon as I carried my knitting  bag out onto the porch to join the others I felt instantly comfortable.  There were 13 of us in Nirvana and everyone was completely wonderful.

 

For all that I had read about how wonderful the classes at SAW were, I wasn't expecting that the real magic of Squam was found right in the cabin.

 

 

Magic was found in the afternoons and the nights spent hanging out with cabinmates on the porch and in front of the fire (some nights were pretty cold) knitting, spinning, laughing and sharing delicious home brewed beer and shared wine.

 

 

 

Magic was also was found watching more daring cabinmates take a plunge into the lake, and folding fat quarters around the fireplace while learning about fabric designing, sweater designing, and book publishing.  Our cabin was always littered with odd balls of yarn, knitting needles and our class projects draped over the furniture and on the tables.  A true creative nirvana.

 

 

 

 

 

The classes were all wonderful (and I promise a second post about them later), but for me what will remain with me most from my days at Squam will be the exquisite unspoiled setting and the amazing creative women I shared it my time there with.

 

 

 

 

9 of the fantastic group of Nirvana women.  Photo courtesy of one of my fantastic cabin mates Laura-Lynn.

 

It was hard to break the spell and leave such an amazing setting on Sunday morning.  I felt drained in the best of ways and more satisfied than I have in ages.

 

 

 

 

Re-entry to the "real world" has been a bit tougher than I would have expected, and I've been feeling the magic drain away from me.  I came back to work to face my yearly review which on the one hand was great  since they couldn't be happier with my performance, but discouraging because they flat out refuse to let me grow beyond the position that quite frankly, trained monkeys could do.  

I need more, and after a week at Squam spent with people who make their livings and surround their lives with creativity I know my current path will never be enough.  I may not have control over all the things that bring sadness to my life - children and love are a bit out of my control, but I can change my job.  I can make changes to fill my life with more creativity.  I can find a path more enriching than the one I'm on now.

 

 

 

Comments

[elizabeth]

oh oh oh!!!

You FOUND the words! Oh my gosh did you ever! How amazing that you gave yourself those two days ahead to ground and center and then help (<--! so much help!!) by being a Squam angel-- you did it up so right-- I am so glad it delivered the experience you needed in return.

[Sarah h]

I understand being alone. I love the solitude although it is tough sometimes.

SAW looked amazing!

[Crystal]

It has been extremely hard to "reassimilate" (sp?) after SAW, but it was so worth it! I felt myself growing, and expanding, and then to return to my real, everyday life was a bit uncomfortable. I feel in the weeks that have followed SAW like I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate the new into the old, without shrinking altogether back into the place I was before I went. Which is so easy to do. to "feel the magic drain away" as you so perfectly phrased it. Thank you for sharing! On a side note (sorry for this long comment) the Flume looks beautiful! Do you think this would be a good place to take a 3 and 5 year old, or was the terrain difficult?

[Susan Dean]

Christina, that was such a lovely piece you wrote and certainly sums up my feelings and those of practically everyone I know
who has gone to Squam. I loved meeting you at the
Welcoming and I am so glad that you participated because you are right -- it does give you an immediate introduction to so many people you might not get achance to meet at all.

What I really really love is that the experience doesn't end with the last
day because I find myself thinking repeatedly during the year that if I can just get past whatever it is, I know there is a place out there where once again I will meet up with like minded spirits, and I
also selfeshly like the fact that I know something that really can't be explained to someone else
unless they have been there.

[michaela]

I hear you on the difficulty of re-entry, and I am SO excited to see what changes you decide to make. Whether they're enormous or tiny to outside observers, they will be significant and meaningful to you. And that's the only thing that matters.

[Mona]

I am so so very happy the NASWA worked for you! You captured the feeling of squam so perfectly. I call it my SAW ZEN, some time it's right there sometimes not so much. Trying to keep it alive is so important for me, and i thank elizabeth so much for providing the space and place to have the magic happen. I hope to meet you next year at squam....

[Bonnie]

Thank you for a wonderful post that really captures the Squam experience. I was a newbie this year, too, and now I really want to go back. I like the idea of volunteering very much!

Are you using the blank journal we received to keep the flame alive? I've been jotting down memories of Squam, things that made me happy while I was there, as well as reflecting on the changes I want to make in my life going forward.

Your post really touched a chord with me, because I too need to find a more fulfilling job. In my yoga class at Squam, we each chose an intention card and I nearly started crying when I saw that the one I took was about finding a wonderful new job!

Keep your highest intentions foremost in your mind and I'm sure they will come to pass.

[Susan]

What a beautifully written post - I could feel your emotion as I read it, and I certainly identify with it. You might want to check out a book by May Sarton called Journal of a Solitude, about her taking some time to herself. I've always loved the way she captured the experience in words.

[Laura-Lynn]

Just loved your post. It reflects my same thoughts about Squam and the need for time alone to reflect and time to come together with others for a sense of community. You were a lovely cabin mate.

[Goodharbormary]

Christina...i love reading your post. Isn't SAW just the most wonderful experience ever?! It is so hard to come back down to earth afterwards. Ever since i've been home i've been on a quest to start knitting socks. I start a class in July and cannot wait. Someday i want to make the fabulous socks you were working on and wearing! It's hot and sunny here today..and i keep wishing i had a dock to go lie on; nap, knit and chat! Be well! xo Mary

[cal]

i agree with everyone: well DONE! your story captures the experience so well, and rings true to most of us i suspect. thanks for sharing and i loved having you in class!

[Amanda]

You certainly found all of the right words. Like many of the prior comments, your thoughts are certainly shared by me. I also agree with Goodharbormary's desire to start some socks. Yours were awesome and I still need to learn to sew. So many things to learn to keep the creativity blossoming. It was wondering getting to meet you and I enjoyed our brief chats when we ran into one another. I'm so glad you were a Squam Angel, which gave me the chance to meet you.

[carol]

Hey Christina!
What a wonderful honest and open post about your feelings and life before and after squam. It was a pleasure meeting you and I hope you find a job worthy of your skills and wonderfuly personality. I hope to see you next year as SAW is one of the few things we can do for ourselves-----Carol